Not only is Buzzfeed better than us at making pancakes, but they have a cool pancake for each day of the week! Take that, stupid, round, boring pancake.
My last job credit was as a Manny. That’s right ladies and gentlemen, I was a male nanny, responsible not one but TWO human lives other than my own. Read ’em and weep.
Everyday I’d hang with a three year old, and her baby brother.
Anyways, I thought I was going to blow into that kitchen and revolutionize the world for those tots. They’re picky eaters and I deluded myself into thinking I’d be the iron chef their parents couldn’t be. I’d make gourmet sandwiches, homemade soup with homemade stock, and Gwyneth Paltrow approved chicken nuggets. I’d spend the entire morning prepping lunch like the Michelin star awarder was coming to order from my kid’s menu.
In my defence, my taste testers were harder to impress than the Michelin crew. The review I recieved everyday was “ew, that’s disgusting” and to add insult to injury the ring leader would deliver the final blow with a “can I have rice crackers, please?”
Not ‘gross’, ‘disgusting‘. What toddler even knows the word “disgusting”? At least she’d say ‘please’.
The kid’s parents discovered that Martha Stewart’s pancake recipe was a fail-safe. Soon I was a master pancake mixer & flipper. When I was feeling cocky, I’d throw a “Mickey Mouse” (one big circle, and two smaller circles on top for ears) into the mix. I relished in rave reviews for the first time in my manny career. I was dubbed the “Pancake Lady”, and I was so over joyed to receive praise I didn’t care my gender had been changed.
But adding new shapes into the mix added more complications. I should have stuck to the traditional pancake shape. But no, I had to impress. Soon I was asked for Mini Mouse. A bunny. Then Hello Kitty. I was screwed, I don’t have that level of skill in my repertoire. My fall from favour was swift, like many culinary giants before me…
So I caution Buzzfeed with my tale. You’re making crazy shapes now, and prompting kids everywhere to say “mummy/daddy why can’t you do that?!” Pancakes not shaped like sloths will only be good enough for the garbage bin. So you better pray you’re never running behind schedule.
I’m not ashamed to admit a child questioning my pancake art has reduced me to tears. It’s a harsh truth from a child. I just hope those kids don’t one day know the pancake pressures of society.
Buzzfeed has answered my prayers so that I can finally answer the age old question: what fruit is this fruit? They seem to think that being grape is a bad thing, probably because of “sour grapes”, but grapes make wine, and papa looooooooooooves me some pinot. Let’s find out shall we?
Question #1
I went with the smiley face, because that’s the doodle I identify with. I wouldn’t say we’re spirit animals, but I’m just not feeling the others. Ya know?
Question #2
I was born to dance, and I am a dancing machine… but this one is tricky because I am also bad at dancing… Is this some kind of riddle? Fuck it, I choose dancing machine. I might end up with grapes after all.
Question #3
I’d bring a dog. Full stop. No sarcasm. Bai.
Question #4
Is this a trick question? Surely it must be? That chick in the Peter Pan hat is 100% glam, 100% of the time. Done and done.
Question #5
Kale is SO 2013… #cauliflower
Question #6
I’m beginning to think this has very little to do with my personality… What kind of idiot wouldn’t choose Uranus?! This should be an I.Q. test! Harvard here I come – I’ll be majoring in Elle Woods plz.
Question #7
Ch-ch-ch-ch-CHATTING!
Alright – 7 questions later and my fruit is…….
APPLE!
“Apples are classic, classy, and sophisticated. Apples know what’s up. You can’t mess with an apple. You try to mess with an apple and you’ll regret it. You try to mess with an apple and you get taken TO SCHOOL. Apples just have it together and know what’s up.”
Well, well, well… it seems this quiz does know what’s going on. Preaaaach 😉
Everyone has heard of unlikely animal friendships. Who could forget the tiger and the orangutan?
Or the elephant and a flock of duckies?!
Or the frog and mouse?
They’re so cute. But what if I told you something that shattered our preconceived notions of inter-species best friend-dom? What if it was all a sham?
Let me introduce to you, the weasel and the woodpecker:
Martin Le-May of England caught that picture of a baby weasel getting a piggyback from his BFF the woodpecker. When the world first saw the image, everyone was ready to add the duo to the rolodex of friends. But really what’s going on is the baby weasel wants a side of wings to go. He’s fucking after a snack!
What if all the animal friends are actually predator/prey relations? What if the predators are all just sneaky and laying down the ground work for a snack later? Look at the fear in the woodpecker’s eyes…
Honestly, we as avid emoji users have been punk’d for a long time. I feel like I’ve been waiting for new emojis since the dawn of time. Don’t get too excited though, there’s still some waiting to do. We wont get the update until the new iOS comes out, but at least we know it’s coming. At least we HOPE it’s coming. Apple tugged our dicks earlier this year by lie-telling and saying that they were planning to release an update in October 2014. Well it’s February 2015…
Anyways, the biggest change we’re being given is a full range of races to emote in now! Also, gay moms and dads. YAY! https://twitter.com/YahooTech/status/569941328521502720
I am over the moon about getting access to racially diverse “Denise” emoji. This is Denise:
I love Denise because she is so versatile. She can portray a full range of emotions with a single pose. These are the various ways I’ve used her:
“sorry, gurl”
“woopsies”
“bye bitch”
“ur a lil bitch”
“he’s my boyfriend now, bitch”
“get in loser, we’re going shopping”
“got this top on sale”
“missed you”
“skipped class today”
“sorry not sorry”
“ur ugly”
“get your own lunch, bitch”
“bye”
“gotta go to work now”
“you need to shower”
“just got my G.E.D.”
“guess who got a drivers license!”
“i stole it”
“mine now”
“don’t care”
“i hate you”
“i just hooked up with your dad”
“i’m your stepmom now”
“what’s math?”
“it’s snowing”
“you’re cute”
“let’s go to the beach”
“on vacay”
“over it”
“partyyyyyyyyy”
“come over”
“wanna watch a movie?”
“netflix marathon”
“grandpa died”
“wanna go on a date”
“they got new emojis”
“broke my phone”
“kthnxbai”
The possibilities are limitless, and Denise will be unstoppable in other races.
In other news, we still don’t seem to be getting any taco emoji or DINOSAURS. Also, a barfing face. How am I supposed to send a text/sext to my boss accurately portraying my hangover without a barfy face? That’s cray. Should we start a petition?
Honestly, this years Academy Awards weren’t that great. Giuliana Rancic was Giuliana Rancic, Ryan Seacrest asked some brutal questions, when he wasn’t time filling or snubbing Naomi (we’ll get to that), it rained.
Let’s begin with the E! Red Carpet:
giuliana and ryan are literally talking about nothing………….
I clearly felt we got off to a strong start…
My favourite Kardashian (I know, I know) was an E! fashion correspondent, and she was letting the criticisms RIP.
This is what Zoe Saldana wore:
Which Khloe deemed “I don’t think it’s Oscar. I, like, I don’t, I don’t. I think, like, date night, or it’s like, very sexy.”
K true, Khloe… if that’s ‘date night’, I now know why I’m single. Maybe home girl is still rattled from her accident the day before.
Everyone and their mother was wearing white, which makes sense since that was the most nominated race…
Jennifer Aniston
Lupita Nyong’o
Juju Moore
Marion Cotillard
Felicity Jones
Reese Witherspoon
If a lady wasn’t wearing white, then she ain’t doing it right. JK. But that rhymed so I went with it. Other popular colours were light pink (I refuse to say ‘blush’) or red. Emma Stone didn’t get the memo at all, and went for chartreuse, which in my opinion is a colour that should only be seen in a wine glass but whatever.
Emma Stone
And here’s Emma Stone assaulting Jennifer Aniston for not passing along the colour memo.
At any rate, it didn’t matter what any woman wore because Khloe Kardashian said that their dresses were ugly poo, and they may as well have rocked the carpet in grey on grey sweats. On a personal side note, my favourite is when the Fashion Police refer to a gown being not that nice, but the wearer is “staying true to themselves”… What does that even mean? “Oh she went sleeveless, but that is so true to her character.”
"she's true to who she is" –#ERedCarpet you mean she woke up and got dressed today? ya totes.
The first award of the night went to J.K. Simmons for Best Supporting Actor in Whiplash. WHICH I predicted. Not that it’s an amazing feat to predict these things. But I suck at Oscar predictions, which is why I only made 5 predictions. At this point of the night I was 1/1! Hurray! J.K. asked everyone to call their mothers in his acceptance speech and it was really cute. If you wanna watch, it’s here.
Then a bunch of boring awards happened. But highlights in between were Everything Is Awesome from the Lego Movie (which was snubbed by the Academy) being performed by Tegan & Sarah + The Lonely Island.
Everyone here is VERY confused by this part….also didn't the academy snub the Lego movie?? #confused#Oscars2015
Oprah was HANDS DOWN the best part of the number. If not the night. Her reactions were ON POINT.
Also there were seat filler jokes by the world AND NPH.
Everyone who’s a celebrity hates the Oscars. It’s long, they have to sit in theatre seats like common folk, and it’s a dry event. To make matters worse, they ALSO don’t give you food. The actors and actresses up for Best Actor/ess have to wait the longest and they are painfully sober, and hangry. So this year, Benedict Cumberbatch said “fuck that” and took matters into his own hands:
Go away indeed.
The Academy Orchestra was definitely aggressive too, and took it upon themselves to play off literally everyone mid-speech. It was nuts. When The Phone Call won their award, one member started talking about suicide and that shut the orchestra up REAL QUICK. It was amazing.
suicide – the way to get the music to stop playing #oscars
Here are the between award winners, just so you know.
Achievement in costume design
WINNER: The Grand Budapest Hotel – Milena Canonero
Inherent Vice – Mark Bridges
Into the Woods – Colleen Atwood
Maleficent – Anna B Sheppard
Mr Turner – Jacqueline Durran
Achievement in makeup and hairstyling
WINNER: The Grand Budapest Hotel – Frances Hannon, Mark Coulier
Foxcatcher – Bill Corso, Dennis Liddiard
Guardians of the Galaxy – Elizabeth Yianni-Georgiou, David White
Best foreign-language film
WINNER: Ida – Paweł Pawlikowski
Tangerines – Zaza Urushadze
Leviathan – Andrey Zvyagintsev
Wild Tales – Damián Szifrón
Timbuktu – Abderrahmane Sissako
Best live-action short film
WINNER: The Phone Call – Mat Kirkby, James Lucas
Aya – Oded Binnun, Mihal Brezis
Boogaloo and Graham – Michael Lennox, Ronan Blaney
Butter Lamp – Wei Hu, Julien Féret
Parvaneh – Talkhon Hamzavi, Stefan Eichenberger
Best documentary short subject
WINNER: Crisis Hotline: Veterans Press 1 – Ellen Goosenberg Kent, Dana Perry
Joanna – Aneta Kopacz
Our Curse – Tomasz Sliwinski, Maciej Slesicki
The Reaper – Gabriel Serra
White Earth – Christian Jensen
Achievement in sound mixing
WINNER: Whiplash – Craig Mann, Ben Wilkins, Thomas Curley
American Sniper – John T Reitz, Gregg Rudloff, Walt Martin
Birdman – Jon Taylor, Frank A. Montaño, Thomas Varga
Interstellar – Gary Rizzo, Gregg Landaker, Mark Weingarten
Unbroken – Jon Taylor, Frank A. Montaño, David Lee
Achievement in sound editing
WINNER: American Sniper – Alan Robert Murray, Bub Asman
Birdman – Aaron Glascock, Martín Hernández
The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies – Brent Burge, Jason Canovas
Interstellar – Richard King
Unbroken – Becky Sullivan, Andrew DeCristofaro
These are all categories I didn’t bother guessing for because I have no clue. So whatever. Then came Best Supporting Actress which I wanted Emma Stone to win so that her and J Law could giggle about how they’re both Academy Award Winners, but it didn’t happen. Instead, Patricia Arquette won, and brought us an amazing speech and an even more amazing reaction from Queen Supreme Meryl Streep (who was sitting next to Jennifer Hudson :0)
Patricia Arquette demanded equal pay for women in her acceptance speech, which had Meryl like YAAAAAAS:
These guys won awards:
Achievement in visual effects
WINNER: Interstellar – Paul J Franklin, Andrew Lockley, Ian Hunter, Scott R Fisher
Captain America: The Winter Soldier – Dan Deleeuw, Russell Earl, Bryan Grill, Daniel Sudick
Dawn of the Planet of the Apes – Joe Letteri, Dan Lemmon, Daniel Barrett, Erik Winquist
Guardians of the Galaxy – Stephane Ceretti, Nicolas Aithadi, Jonathan Fawkner, Paul Corbould
X-Men: Days of Future Past – Richard Stammers, Lou Pecora, Tim Crosbie, Cameron Waldbauer
Best animated short film
WINNER: Feast – Patrick Osborne, Kristina Reed
The Bigger Picture – Daisy Jacobs, Chris Hees
The Dam Keeper – Robert Kondo, Daisuke “Dice” Tsutsumi
Me and My Moulton – Torill Kove
A Single Life – Joris Oprins
Best animated feature film
WINNER: Big Hero 6
The Boxtrolls
How to Train Your Dragon 2
Song of the Sea
The Tale of the Princess Kaguya
Best production design
WINNER: The Grand Budapest Hotel: Adam Stockhausen, Anna Pinnock
The Imitation Game: Maria Djurkovic, Tatiana Macdonald
Interstellar: Nathan Crowley, Gary Fettis
Into the Woods: Dennis Gassner, Anna Pinnock
Mr Turner: Suzie Davies, Charlotte Watts
Achievement in cinematography
WINNER: Birdman: Emmanuel Lubezki
The Grand Budapest Hotel: Robert D Yeoman
Ida: Lukasz Zal, Ryszard Lenczewski
Mr Turner: Dick Pope
Unbroken: Roger Deakins
Achievement in film editing
WINNER: Whiplash – Tom Cross
Boyhood – Sandra Adair
The Imitation Game – William Goldenberg
The Grand Budapest Hotel – Barney Pilling
American Sniper – Joel Cox, Gary Roach
There also was a really long sustained joke about NPH being really good at predicting what will happen, and locking his predictions in a box that Octavia Spencer had to keep her eye on the whole time. The internet hated it and Octavia hated it.
Idina Menzel tried to get even with John Travolta when she introduced him. She said “Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage my very dear friend Glom Gazingo.” He immediately got her back by being super awkward and creepy by touching her face and being weird.
GTFO Glom Gazingo.
With only 45 minutes left in the broadcast, they decided to go and do a super long tribute to The Sound of Music. Lady Gaga performed a musical medley and soon we all understood by TIMING BE DAMNED because girlfriend NAILED IT.
Oh yeah, and these awards happened at some point too…
Best documentary feature
WINNER: Citizenfour – Laura Poitras, Mathilde Bonnefoy, Dirk Wilutzky
Finding Vivian Maier – John Maloof, Charlie Siskel
Last Days in Vietnam – Rory Kennedy, Keven McAlester
The Salt of the Earth – Wim Wenders, Juliano Ribeiro Salgado, David Rosier
Virunga – Orlando von Einsiedel, Joanna Natasegara
Best original song
WINNER: Glory from Selma – Lonnie Lynn (Common), John Stephens (John Legend)
The Lego Movie – Shawn Patterson (Everything Is Awesome)
Beyond the Lights – Diane Warren (Grateful)
Glen Campbell: I’ll Be Me – Glen Campbell, Julian Raymond (I’m Not Gonna Miss You)
Begin Again – Gregg Alexander, Danielle Brisebois (Lost Stars)
Best original score
WINNER: Alexandre Desplat – The Grand Budapest Hotel
Alexandre Desplat – The Imitation Game
Hans Zimmer – Interstellar
Jóhann Jóhannsson– The Theory of Everything
Gary Yershon – Mr Turner
Original screenplay
WINNER: Alejandro González Iñárritu, Nicolás Giacobone, Alexander Dinelaris, Armando Bo – Birdman
Richard Linklater – Boyhood
E Max Frye, Dan Futterman – Foxcatcher
Wes Anderson, Hugo Guinness – The Grand Budapest Hotel
Dan Gilroy – Nightcrawler
Adapted screenplay
WINNER: Graham Moore – The Imitation Game
Jason Hall – American Sniper
Paul Thomas Anderson – Inherent Vice
Anthony McCarten – The Theory of Everything
Damien Chazelle – Whiplash
Everyone was initially critical of Graham Moore, and then IMMEDIATELY changed their minds when he nailed his acceptance speech.
Man Repeller writer Amelia Diamond posted a couple of her fashion week predictions on the 13th. Among those predictions were some light up shoes.
Now, when I think light up shoes, the visual in my mind is a little closer to this:
I guess the first ones are more bad ass, and if I was a sweet dancer prone to club dance-offs I would 100% rock them. However, I’m assuming that hipster fashion week shit probably doesn’t come in a pair of two left shoes so I’m out of luck for now.
In terms of fashion trends, this one seems to be on point because adults dressing like kids is the hot new thing. Recently Buzzfeed covered a story about this dad who has been recreating sweet sweats from his childhood wardrobe so he can really get in the chill zone. Honestly, I back this choice because I need some more colour blocking paradise in my life.
I’m not kidding, can I get the sweat pants in a man’s medium? I think Anna Wintour could get on board with them too. They’re perfect for kicking ass and taking names in the boardroom, or alternatively, chilling at home with some vino, popcorn and a marathon of Keeping Up With The Kardashians on E!
At this exact moment in time, I am single. Don’t tell my dog I said that… Anyways, I think the problem is, men don’t know which one of them I want and they’re all too intimidated to be rejected because of the murky situation. Lemme clear the air for you fellas!
The first thing I notice is great hair, but that wasn’t an option so I said “eyes” because the only other kind of hair in the options were “eyebrows”. I don’t general notice eyebrows unless they’re emoting inappropriately.
I said Liam Hemsworth, because DUH. My loins burn for him and I’m 99.9% sure it’s not medical. Sure it would damage my relationship with Miley for going after her sloppy seconds but if he went for me he’s actually into dudes so she never really had a chance anyways. Let bygones be bygones, Montana. Plus I’d be one degree of separation from Jennifer Lawrence!
I’ve never had In-N-Out Burger, but I’m like positive I’d like it! But I don’t think that you can answer on a probability, so I guess I’ll say 5 Guys because their burgers have me like:
Part of me wants to say King Triton but anatomically I don’t see that working out to well. So it’s between Tarzan’s mortal dad, or fake n’ bake orange Zeus. I guess I’d hit it and quit it with papa Z.
WIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE IN NAPA!
Glasses. Amirite Ryan Gosling?
Pizza is always right!
That was all the question they needed! Drum roll pleeeeeease!
BEACH BABES!
“You enjoy fun in the sun, and you’re never on the run. You like a man that spends his days near the ocean with a beautiful sun-kissed face and a body to match. With you, it’s always a good time for skies out, guys out.”
It seems that key Kardashians, and technical Jenners can’t let Bruce have the whole spotlight for himself. Not for one second.
It’s rumoured that former Olympic champion, and father to the clan, Bruce is going to begin transitioning to a woman later this year. He is reportedly in talks with Diane Sawyer for an exclusive Keeping Up with the Kardashians promotion/his coming out story. Anyone who has seen an episode of the Kardashians over the last few seasons knows that Bruce has been growing his hair for some time now. This fact alone got the rumour train rolling that he is a woman. Last month InTouch Magazine published a cover story that Bruce would be transitioning, with an unconvincingly photoshopped cover…
Whether there is any truth to the rumours is unclear as none of the Kardashians have commented yet, just saying that Bruce is on a “journey” of some kind…
Not to be outdone, Kim has requested that your eyeballs return immediately to her. Kim’s “Break the Internet” photoshoot for Paper Magazine did temporarily do so. But time passed, and people remembered they’d seen her naked bod before. So now, in the upcoming issue of Love magazine, 1 Kardashian and 1 Jenner appear fully and partially naked respectively.
Kim oils up, and comes out swinging with a full frontal (“MOOOOOMMMM NOOOOO” – North):
And here, lil sis and pro model Kendall appears topless, and breast enhanced via prosthetics:
Lame little sister Kylie also posed for the mag, but she is fully clothed, so she isn’t really pawing for the spotlight. Or MAYBE she knew she’d get more attention for being a fully clothed Kardashian… interesting.
Can’t we all just get along, and give Bruce and a potentially serious life change some attention for one second? Naaaah.
Sports, Sports, Sports. Can’t live with you, can’t make small talk with straight men & lesbians without you. For this reason, I decided to sit through the Super Bowl this past Sunday, and actually really enjoyed the commercials.
Katy was the halftime show, and she made a really big deal about how she was so special or something and like way way WAY better than other performers because the NFL didn’t make her pay to dazzle millions of eyes with her Teenage Dreams of a Dark Horse, and bless our ears with her Roaring. Too bad the show was repeatedly stollen from her. Pairing with Missy Elliot may not have been the best choice, because Missy KILLED it and stole the whole show. Right when Missy thought that shit was hers forever, the show was stollen AGAIN. Katy’s backup dancer with two left feet, on her left, in a shark costume was the real star of the performance.
People are in love with the sharks. Buzzfeed discovered how hot one of the shark dancers is. People were enamoured with the last minute dancer/shark recast drama. Well now, one Reddit user has taken things to the next level. They’ve gotten Left Shark immortalized foreva-eva on their body in ink! Check it out:
I don’t feel great about the placement, but I 100% support this kind of reckless decision making.
the popopinion 