Not only is Buzzfeed better than us at making pancakes, but they have a cool pancake for each day of the week! Take that, stupid, round, boring pancake.
My last job credit was as a Manny. That’s right ladies and gentlemen, I was a male nanny, responsible not one but TWO human lives other than my own. Read ’em and weep.
Everyday I’d hang with a three year old, and her baby brother.
Anyways, I thought I was going to blow into that kitchen and revolutionize the world for those tots. They’re picky eaters and I deluded myself into thinking I’d be the iron chef their parents couldn’t be. I’d make gourmet sandwiches, homemade soup with homemade stock, and Gwyneth Paltrow approved chicken nuggets. I’d spend the entire morning prepping lunch like the Michelin star awarder was coming to order from my kid’s menu.
In my defence, my taste testers were harder to impress than the Michelin crew. The review I recieved everyday was “ew, that’s disgusting” and to add insult to injury the ring leader would deliver the final blow with a “can I have rice crackers, please?”
Not ‘gross’, ‘disgusting‘. What toddler even knows the word “disgusting”? At least she’d say ‘please’.
The kid’s parents discovered that Martha Stewart’s pancake recipe was a fail-safe. Soon I was a master pancake mixer & flipper. When I was feeling cocky, I’d throw a “Mickey Mouse” (one big circle, and two smaller circles on top for ears) into the mix. I relished in rave reviews for the first time in my manny career. I was dubbed the “Pancake Lady”, and I was so over joyed to receive praise I didn’t care my gender had been changed.
But adding new shapes into the mix added more complications. I should have stuck to the traditional pancake shape. But no, I had to impress. Soon I was asked for Mini Mouse. A bunny. Then Hello Kitty. I was screwed, I don’t have that level of skill in my repertoire. My fall from favour was swift, like many culinary giants before me…
So I caution Buzzfeed with my tale. You’re making crazy shapes now, and prompting kids everywhere to say “mummy/daddy why can’t you do that?!” Pancakes not shaped like sloths will only be good enough for the garbage bin. So you better pray you’re never running behind schedule.
I’m not ashamed to admit a child questioning my pancake art has reduced me to tears. It’s a harsh truth from a child. I just hope those kids don’t one day know the pancake pressures of society.
This is the video that put Lohanthony on the map, and opened him up to a massive following on Vine and Youtube. Coincidentally, this is also the video that caused me to pee my pants the most times as a full adult.
Is he an emoji?
The only thing that makes me sad is the fact that this video isn’t playable on loop. Look at those lime green leggings. Look at that flexibility. I feel like he should have developed some kind of sassy, booty popping workout video… perhaps that’s best left until the child turns 18. We might not be able to handle the teenage sass.
I personally have never understood the fear of the dentist. I’ve been going since before I had teeth, and I could fall asleep in the dentist’s chair. In fact, I often do fall asleep, and have to be asked to wake up, open my mouth again and release whatever tools or fingers were in there when I dozed off.
I do however, fully understand the fear and hatred associated with fluoride. I drink lots of water, so I’m sure I get enough. When I was a kid, I told my dentist I didn’t want to do a fluoride wash because it smelled bad. Plus back in the day you had to swish the fluoride in your mouth for an ungodly amount of time without swallowing a drop. Obviously I didn’t succeed and I barfed everywhere.
It was years before I was made to do another fluoride wash. I think the dental assistant was keen to avoid another major clean up.
In the video, the cat react like he’s tripping right out, and I can’t help but think he swallowed a little bit of the paste… #neverforget
I have never seen an owl bat it’s lashes before. Probably because so few of them have any fucks to give. They just sit up in the forest, turning their heads backwards searching for one single fuck to give. Owls swoop through the foliage just snatching up mice and critters.
Well not this owl. This owl has a human boyfriend, and spends extra time in front of the mirror getting ready for him. Her mascara game is on FLEEK.
If you don’t believe me, check this shit out for yourself!
In a video from Western Australia, which closely resembles a nightmare of mine, an octopus jumps out of the water to snatch up a crab to eat. First of all, what in Ursula hell? As if they can leave the water and walk like that? That’s more terrifying than the way snakes move. It has snakes for legs. I think I speak for just about everyone when I say “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
Honestly, this years Academy Awards weren’t that great. Giuliana Rancic was Giuliana Rancic, Ryan Seacrest asked some brutal questions, when he wasn’t time filling or snubbing Naomi (we’ll get to that), it rained.
Let’s begin with the E! Red Carpet:
giuliana and ryan are literally talking about nothing………….
I clearly felt we got off to a strong start…
My favourite Kardashian (I know, I know) was an E! fashion correspondent, and she was letting the criticisms RIP.
This is what Zoe Saldana wore:
Which Khloe deemed “I don’t think it’s Oscar. I, like, I don’t, I don’t. I think, like, date night, or it’s like, very sexy.”
K true, Khloe… if that’s ‘date night’, I now know why I’m single. Maybe home girl is still rattled from her accident the day before.
Everyone and their mother was wearing white, which makes sense since that was the most nominated race…
Jennifer Aniston
Lupita Nyong’o
Juju Moore
Marion Cotillard
Felicity Jones
Reese Witherspoon
If a lady wasn’t wearing white, then she ain’t doing it right. JK. But that rhymed so I went with it. Other popular colours were light pink (I refuse to say ‘blush’) or red. Emma Stone didn’t get the memo at all, and went for chartreuse, which in my opinion is a colour that should only be seen in a wine glass but whatever.
Emma Stone
And here’s Emma Stone assaulting Jennifer Aniston for not passing along the colour memo.
At any rate, it didn’t matter what any woman wore because Khloe Kardashian said that their dresses were ugly poo, and they may as well have rocked the carpet in grey on grey sweats. On a personal side note, my favourite is when the Fashion Police refer to a gown being not that nice, but the wearer is “staying true to themselves”… What does that even mean? “Oh she went sleeveless, but that is so true to her character.”
"she's true to who she is" –#ERedCarpet you mean she woke up and got dressed today? ya totes.
The first award of the night went to J.K. Simmons for Best Supporting Actor in Whiplash. WHICH I predicted. Not that it’s an amazing feat to predict these things. But I suck at Oscar predictions, which is why I only made 5 predictions. At this point of the night I was 1/1! Hurray! J.K. asked everyone to call their mothers in his acceptance speech and it was really cute. If you wanna watch, it’s here.
Then a bunch of boring awards happened. But highlights in between were Everything Is Awesome from the Lego Movie (which was snubbed by the Academy) being performed by Tegan & Sarah + The Lonely Island.
Everyone here is VERY confused by this part….also didn't the academy snub the Lego movie?? #confused#Oscars2015
Oprah was HANDS DOWN the best part of the number. If not the night. Her reactions were ON POINT.
Also there were seat filler jokes by the world AND NPH.
Everyone who’s a celebrity hates the Oscars. It’s long, they have to sit in theatre seats like common folk, and it’s a dry event. To make matters worse, they ALSO don’t give you food. The actors and actresses up for Best Actor/ess have to wait the longest and they are painfully sober, and hangry. So this year, Benedict Cumberbatch said “fuck that” and took matters into his own hands:
Go away indeed.
The Academy Orchestra was definitely aggressive too, and took it upon themselves to play off literally everyone mid-speech. It was nuts. When The Phone Call won their award, one member started talking about suicide and that shut the orchestra up REAL QUICK. It was amazing.
suicide – the way to get the music to stop playing #oscars
Here are the between award winners, just so you know.
Achievement in costume design
WINNER: The Grand Budapest Hotel – Milena Canonero
Inherent Vice – Mark Bridges
Into the Woods – Colleen Atwood
Maleficent – Anna B Sheppard
Mr Turner – Jacqueline Durran
Achievement in makeup and hairstyling
WINNER: The Grand Budapest Hotel – Frances Hannon, Mark Coulier
Foxcatcher – Bill Corso, Dennis Liddiard
Guardians of the Galaxy – Elizabeth Yianni-Georgiou, David White
Best foreign-language film
WINNER: Ida – Paweł Pawlikowski
Tangerines – Zaza Urushadze
Leviathan – Andrey Zvyagintsev
Wild Tales – Damián Szifrón
Timbuktu – Abderrahmane Sissako
Best live-action short film
WINNER: The Phone Call – Mat Kirkby, James Lucas
Aya – Oded Binnun, Mihal Brezis
Boogaloo and Graham – Michael Lennox, Ronan Blaney
Butter Lamp – Wei Hu, Julien Féret
Parvaneh – Talkhon Hamzavi, Stefan Eichenberger
Best documentary short subject
WINNER: Crisis Hotline: Veterans Press 1 – Ellen Goosenberg Kent, Dana Perry
Joanna – Aneta Kopacz
Our Curse – Tomasz Sliwinski, Maciej Slesicki
The Reaper – Gabriel Serra
White Earth – Christian Jensen
Achievement in sound mixing
WINNER: Whiplash – Craig Mann, Ben Wilkins, Thomas Curley
American Sniper – John T Reitz, Gregg Rudloff, Walt Martin
Birdman – Jon Taylor, Frank A. Montaño, Thomas Varga
Interstellar – Gary Rizzo, Gregg Landaker, Mark Weingarten
Unbroken – Jon Taylor, Frank A. Montaño, David Lee
Achievement in sound editing
WINNER: American Sniper – Alan Robert Murray, Bub Asman
Birdman – Aaron Glascock, Martín Hernández
The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies – Brent Burge, Jason Canovas
Interstellar – Richard King
Unbroken – Becky Sullivan, Andrew DeCristofaro
These are all categories I didn’t bother guessing for because I have no clue. So whatever. Then came Best Supporting Actress which I wanted Emma Stone to win so that her and J Law could giggle about how they’re both Academy Award Winners, but it didn’t happen. Instead, Patricia Arquette won, and brought us an amazing speech and an even more amazing reaction from Queen Supreme Meryl Streep (who was sitting next to Jennifer Hudson :0)
Patricia Arquette demanded equal pay for women in her acceptance speech, which had Meryl like YAAAAAAS:
These guys won awards:
Achievement in visual effects
WINNER: Interstellar – Paul J Franklin, Andrew Lockley, Ian Hunter, Scott R Fisher
Captain America: The Winter Soldier – Dan Deleeuw, Russell Earl, Bryan Grill, Daniel Sudick
Dawn of the Planet of the Apes – Joe Letteri, Dan Lemmon, Daniel Barrett, Erik Winquist
Guardians of the Galaxy – Stephane Ceretti, Nicolas Aithadi, Jonathan Fawkner, Paul Corbould
X-Men: Days of Future Past – Richard Stammers, Lou Pecora, Tim Crosbie, Cameron Waldbauer
Best animated short film
WINNER: Feast – Patrick Osborne, Kristina Reed
The Bigger Picture – Daisy Jacobs, Chris Hees
The Dam Keeper – Robert Kondo, Daisuke “Dice” Tsutsumi
Me and My Moulton – Torill Kove
A Single Life – Joris Oprins
Best animated feature film
WINNER: Big Hero 6
The Boxtrolls
How to Train Your Dragon 2
Song of the Sea
The Tale of the Princess Kaguya
Best production design
WINNER: The Grand Budapest Hotel: Adam Stockhausen, Anna Pinnock
The Imitation Game: Maria Djurkovic, Tatiana Macdonald
Interstellar: Nathan Crowley, Gary Fettis
Into the Woods: Dennis Gassner, Anna Pinnock
Mr Turner: Suzie Davies, Charlotte Watts
Achievement in cinematography
WINNER: Birdman: Emmanuel Lubezki
The Grand Budapest Hotel: Robert D Yeoman
Ida: Lukasz Zal, Ryszard Lenczewski
Mr Turner: Dick Pope
Unbroken: Roger Deakins
Achievement in film editing
WINNER: Whiplash – Tom Cross
Boyhood – Sandra Adair
The Imitation Game – William Goldenberg
The Grand Budapest Hotel – Barney Pilling
American Sniper – Joel Cox, Gary Roach
There also was a really long sustained joke about NPH being really good at predicting what will happen, and locking his predictions in a box that Octavia Spencer had to keep her eye on the whole time. The internet hated it and Octavia hated it.
Idina Menzel tried to get even with John Travolta when she introduced him. She said “Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage my very dear friend Glom Gazingo.” He immediately got her back by being super awkward and creepy by touching her face and being weird.
GTFO Glom Gazingo.
With only 45 minutes left in the broadcast, they decided to go and do a super long tribute to The Sound of Music. Lady Gaga performed a musical medley and soon we all understood by TIMING BE DAMNED because girlfriend NAILED IT.
Oh yeah, and these awards happened at some point too…
Best documentary feature
WINNER: Citizenfour – Laura Poitras, Mathilde Bonnefoy, Dirk Wilutzky
Finding Vivian Maier – John Maloof, Charlie Siskel
Last Days in Vietnam – Rory Kennedy, Keven McAlester
The Salt of the Earth – Wim Wenders, Juliano Ribeiro Salgado, David Rosier
Virunga – Orlando von Einsiedel, Joanna Natasegara
Best original song
WINNER: Glory from Selma – Lonnie Lynn (Common), John Stephens (John Legend)
The Lego Movie – Shawn Patterson (Everything Is Awesome)
Beyond the Lights – Diane Warren (Grateful)
Glen Campbell: I’ll Be Me – Glen Campbell, Julian Raymond (I’m Not Gonna Miss You)
Begin Again – Gregg Alexander, Danielle Brisebois (Lost Stars)
Best original score
WINNER: Alexandre Desplat – The Grand Budapest Hotel
Alexandre Desplat – The Imitation Game
Hans Zimmer – Interstellar
Jóhann Jóhannsson– The Theory of Everything
Gary Yershon – Mr Turner
Original screenplay
WINNER: Alejandro González Iñárritu, Nicolás Giacobone, Alexander Dinelaris, Armando Bo – Birdman
Richard Linklater – Boyhood
E Max Frye, Dan Futterman – Foxcatcher
Wes Anderson, Hugo Guinness – The Grand Budapest Hotel
Dan Gilroy – Nightcrawler
Adapted screenplay
WINNER: Graham Moore – The Imitation Game
Jason Hall – American Sniper
Paul Thomas Anderson – Inherent Vice
Anthony McCarten – The Theory of Everything
Damien Chazelle – Whiplash
Everyone was initially critical of Graham Moore, and then IMMEDIATELY changed their minds when he nailed his acceptance speech.
Don’t let the cold weather and snow keep you down! Life goes on, and before you know it we’ll all be melting in summer heat and be saying things like “OH MY GAAAAAWD! EET’S SEW HAWWWWWT” and “WHEN WHEEEEEEEL IT SNOWWWWW” so like, suck it up.
While all the people in New England are like “shit, how will I find my car under 45 thousand feet of snow” this cute little red panda is like “wow, this is the best day of my whole entire life!” as he/she runs around and frolics!
Let this brighten your day. Plus it’s the end of the week, so embrace your freedom!
Man Repeller writer Amelia Diamond posted a couple of her fashion week predictions on the 13th. Among those predictions were some light up shoes.
Now, when I think light up shoes, the visual in my mind is a little closer to this:
I guess the first ones are more bad ass, and if I was a sweet dancer prone to club dance-offs I would 100% rock them. However, I’m assuming that hipster fashion week shit probably doesn’t come in a pair of two left shoes so I’m out of luck for now.
In terms of fashion trends, this one seems to be on point because adults dressing like kids is the hot new thing. Recently Buzzfeed covered a story about this dad who has been recreating sweet sweats from his childhood wardrobe so he can really get in the chill zone. Honestly, I back this choice because I need some more colour blocking paradise in my life.
I’m not kidding, can I get the sweat pants in a man’s medium? I think Anna Wintour could get on board with them too. They’re perfect for kicking ass and taking names in the boardroom, or alternatively, chilling at home with some vino, popcorn and a marathon of Keeping Up With The Kardashians on E!
Michael Keaton/Birdman was on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon this week. Jimmy had them act out two man scenes written by children. I’m assuming they either weren’t told the premise of the original movie, which Keaton is Oscar nominated OR the children hated it and wrote these scripts to make the film better. I’d like to believe it was the latter, but I digress.
My personal favourite was the second one. While funny, it also had dark undertones. I pictured a lonely, overweight, red haired boy who was having a tough time at school. He doesn’t have a lot of friends, so he invents one named Birdman on his walk home from school one day when he spots a crow (CAW!CAW!CAW!) in a nearby tree. I’ve also decided that the boy’s father was cruel and recently ran out on him (Thomas). This is when the bird/Birdman takes on a malevolent tone and begins to belittle the boy.
Now that I’m thinking about it, this could also be an Oscar contending short…
After the video of a fired teenage McDonald’s employee acting like a fired teenager went viral, that McDonalds responded by firing someone else. The turnover at that location is WAY too high, I do NOT like those odds. All the remaining employees are side-eying each other keeping a lookout of tattle tails. They better keep their toes extra in line because people are getting fired for no damn reason.
The man who is seen in the video bye Felicia-ing that twerp was also asked to hangup his headset and name tag and not return. His name tag says Brandon Robinson, and he is capital P, PISSED he was excused from his job for no good reason. Apparently the owners of this franchise felt he could have done more to prevent damage. Robinson says the tantrum-haver is not a legal adult, and not his legal child so he couldn’t legally administer spankings or put hands on the boy in any way.
Robinson says he has a job interview so McDonalds can go fuck itself this Valentine’s Day. On another bright side, the video has now been seen almost 4 million times, so Ablaj50 will be making some of that sweet advertising money! What uuuuuup!
the popopinion 